I know the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully

Here is my post today...stolen from funnyscott.com.  Optimists laugh to forget; pessimists forget to laugh. Which are you?

- I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
- The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Follow your dream ...unless it's the one where you're running naked through Wal-Mart.
- Dogs have owners, and cats have staff.
- Having a sharp tongue can cut your own throat.
- When you're finally  holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- If most accidents occur within five miles of home, why don't people just move?
- Help!  I'm online, and I can't log off!!
- Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
- There are three kinds of people:  those who can count and those who can't.
- I have kleptomania;  but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- Who are these kids,  and why are they calling me Mom?
- The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name.
- Where are we going? Why is it so hot? And what's with this hand basket?
- Live each day as if it were your last...  and someday you'll be right.
-  I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- When everything is coming your way, you are in the wrong lane.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good!
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- All things being equal, tall people use more soap.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
- Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
- If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Borrow money from pessimists  they don't expect it back.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Don't worry about who is right; worry about what is right